a day before it all happened...

january 30, 2010 ~ saturday

there was this "grateful" feeling enveloping me when i was praying. i was thanking God for giving and blessing us with James Benedict. i remembered "that" feeling when i did the test and I was almost screaming when i told Ruben it was positive. the joy we (Ruben, JP and i) feel whenever we feel James kick from inside my tummy.

yes, there are times when i feel the stab in my heart knowing that we can lose James anytime. yes, i cry every time i think about the pain he has been through since he was born on Christmas day.

i have been to that point when i was already bargaining some years from the Lord... to lend James Benedict to us for a few years... that He would allow us to let James Benedict feel some loving, experience the happiness of having a family so that he would know how it is to be without pain.

...

it is so unfortunate that we had to lose you my baby.

but knowing that our loss is heaven's gain gives us peace.

you are now safely cradled in our Lord's arms.

hopeful

a scene of hopefulness captured during James Benedict's first month birthday.
Kuya JP wishing and praying that we'll be able to bring his baby brother home.



and a mom full of hope.

but little did i know that on this day, Ruben talked to James' doctors and was keeping the development to himself because he doesn't know how to break it to me. this was the day when he learned that it will take a miracle to heal James.

during James' hospitalization, Ruben was the one involved. i cannot stand hearing from doctors that James chances are slim. it was Ruben who would deal with the hospital, the doctors and the nurses. my role is to simply visit my baby. i didn't have to think about other things except that.

he was my strength.
and i could hardly imagine how he felt as we were celebrating James' first month birthday, keeping the reality from me.

after our son died, he got to tell me he learned about James' need for a miracle a day before i did. i got to talk to the doctor the day after James' first month. that was when i learned of the gravity of his situation.

it was the day when Ruben and i both cried the hardest.
there is simply no way of easing the pain of knowing that you are about to lose your son.

sharing our story

it has been a crazy roller coaster ride.
and i don't even know how to start describing the journey.

through it all, we have our families and our friends to keep us going.
even strangers helped us with James.
with that, we are so grateful.

God is indeed kind.

throughout James' hospitalization, i've kept a journal.

and my blog is my personal online journal.
i feel better writing down my feelings.
hopefully, sharing our experience will help us recover from losing our baby.

there isn't a time when i do not shed tears while in front of the computer.
seeing his pictures. thinking hard on what could have possibly went wrong.

it's okay.
i feel my son when i cry.

i cry because he's gone...
and we'll never be able to hold him...
i cry because...
we've waited years for his coming...

in spite of the pain i feel when i cry for him,
it is the feeling afterwards that makes me go on.
the feeling of hopefulness.

in God's time, we will be with James Benedict.

...

it has been 19 days.
19 days of longing. 19 days of wishing. 19 days of what could have beens.

it was a bitter sweet Christmas.
we were blessed with James Benedict on Christmas day.
but he was called to be an angel 37 days after.

37 days of needles. pricking. tubes and machines. tests.
xrays. meds. transfusions. doctors. nurses.
37 days of suffering.

i was never given a chance to hold my baby in my arms.
and an incubator separated us from feeling each other.
i can spend only15 minutes with him in the nursery ICU.
i wasn't given a chance to show him a mommy.

and everyday passes with missing him.
so many questions in my head. so many if onlys and what ifs.

my heart is broken.
a piece of it was buried with James.
how do we go on? how do i move on?

how can i start mending my broken heart?