...

it hasn't been hard keeping ourselves busy.

with work and our remaining son,

we have plenty on our hands.

what has been hard is accepting the fact that for a time

we had always just been three and

realizing that it may just be that way is another.

a lot has changed in the last 8 months.

most of it are changes within us.

most are for the good.

and some we still work out to change to be better.

somehow, what happened to us

changed the pace of our lives.

it changed our perspective of life.

of family.

of friends.

of love.

...

~ you ask yourself how will you make it through.

how will you go on, but you do.

difference is, you go on with a pain in your heart.

a missing piece in your life. ~

...

how i regret not knowing myself well
not knowing how much i can endure

how i wish that the weaker me can emerge victorious
by then, i wouldn't try to prove that i am stronger

everyday i spend alone brings me back to those days as a young one, who can wish time to stop. to rewind.

ever had those dreams of hopeful longing because you have faith that the day will start all over again?
no regrets left unmended?

how i really wish that i can turn back time.

...

on those days when i want a feel-good? cry

losing James was hard on all of us

especially for me and for Ruben.

we have accepted that it is all a part of His plans.

nevertheless, am...

and i had the chance to be a second-time mom

...

'one of the only things left we can do to take care of you'

still wishing...

...for his very own playmate

{May 25, 2010; James' 5th month}

...

we miss you James.
{5th month; May 25, 2010}

happy 4 months {birthday} James

you are 4 months today darling
four months since you came along
less than three months since we said goodbye

each month we remember your birthday,
it hurts a lot.

we live our life as if you are just beside us.
each day.

i trust that it was best this way.
you are better off with Jesus.

this should comfort us.
until the time comes when
our family can be together.

missing out

news of death will aways surprise you
even if you already see it coming.
and death is a subject that i never want to talk about.
when you learn of a person just your age dying,
be it due to sickness or an accident,
it will make you realize on the things you are missing out on.

ever since James died, i've lost interest in a lot of things.
i go about doing what is necessary.
not worried about those i cannot manage to finish.
thinking that there will always be tomorrow.
plenty of tomorrows.

today, i cried in the shower.
not even able to identify my own tears.
i worry about life.
i worry about death.
i worry about today.
and tomorrow.

that i have forgetten to relish on what i have. now.
you will never be able to change what has been planned for you.
death is our ultimate destination.
and you have the choice to enjoy journey.

- april 22, 2010 -

happy birthday James

Today is your third month birthday.

you should be crawling by now
and turning on your side on your own.
if you were just with us today.

we love you James.

mommy, daddy and kuya JP

life goes on

today marks your 40th day, our angel.

life goes on.

and we have to move on.

but amidst the sadness, we rely on you for strength.

strength to go on.

for you our baby.

we miss you, James.

a day before it all happened...

january 30, 2010 ~ saturday

there was this "grateful" feeling enveloping me when i was praying. i was thanking God for giving and blessing us with James Benedict. i remembered "that" feeling when i did the test and I was almost screaming when i told Ruben it was positive. the joy we (Ruben, JP and i) feel whenever we feel James kick from inside my tummy.

yes, there are times when i feel the stab in my heart knowing that we can lose James anytime. yes, i cry every time i think about the pain he has been through since he was born on Christmas day.

i have been to that point when i was already bargaining some years from the Lord... to lend James Benedict to us for a few years... that He would allow us to let James Benedict feel some loving, experience the happiness of having a family so that he would know how it is to be without pain.

...

it is so unfortunate that we had to lose you my baby.

but knowing that our loss is heaven's gain gives us peace.

you are now safely cradled in our Lord's arms.

hopeful

a scene of hopefulness captured during James Benedict's first month birthday.
Kuya JP wishing and praying that we'll be able to bring his baby brother home.



and a mom full of hope.

but little did i know that on this day, Ruben talked to James' doctors and was keeping the development to himself because he doesn't know how to break it to me. this was the day when he learned that it will take a miracle to heal James.

during James' hospitalization, Ruben was the one involved. i cannot stand hearing from doctors that James chances are slim. it was Ruben who would deal with the hospital, the doctors and the nurses. my role is to simply visit my baby. i didn't have to think about other things except that.

he was my strength.
and i could hardly imagine how he felt as we were celebrating James' first month birthday, keeping the reality from me.

after our son died, he got to tell me he learned about James' need for a miracle a day before i did. i got to talk to the doctor the day after James' first month. that was when i learned of the gravity of his situation.

it was the day when Ruben and i both cried the hardest.
there is simply no way of easing the pain of knowing that you are about to lose your son.

sharing our story

it has been a crazy roller coaster ride.
and i don't even know how to start describing the journey.

through it all, we have our families and our friends to keep us going.
even strangers helped us with James.
with that, we are so grateful.

God is indeed kind.

throughout James' hospitalization, i've kept a journal.

and my blog is my personal online journal.
i feel better writing down my feelings.
hopefully, sharing our experience will help us recover from losing our baby.

there isn't a time when i do not shed tears while in front of the computer.
seeing his pictures. thinking hard on what could have possibly went wrong.

it's okay.
i feel my son when i cry.

i cry because he's gone...
and we'll never be able to hold him...
i cry because...
we've waited years for his coming...

in spite of the pain i feel when i cry for him,
it is the feeling afterwards that makes me go on.
the feeling of hopefulness.

in God's time, we will be with James Benedict.

...

it has been 19 days.
19 days of longing. 19 days of wishing. 19 days of what could have beens.

it was a bitter sweet Christmas.
we were blessed with James Benedict on Christmas day.
but he was called to be an angel 37 days after.

37 days of needles. pricking. tubes and machines. tests.
xrays. meds. transfusions. doctors. nurses.
37 days of suffering.

i was never given a chance to hold my baby in my arms.
and an incubator separated us from feeling each other.
i can spend only15 minutes with him in the nursery ICU.
i wasn't given a chance to show him a mommy.

and everyday passes with missing him.
so many questions in my head. so many if onlys and what ifs.

my heart is broken.
a piece of it was buried with James.
how do we go on? how do i move on?

how can i start mending my broken heart?

a peek to our New Year

it was mommy's first time to see James open his eyes.

this was on New Year's Day. at exactly the time when James turned 1-week old.

cheers to a blessed New Year from my family to yours.

tna, ruben, JP and James